The Book of Oliver

[This is an extract from the soon-to-be-published “Book of Oliver”, one of the lost books of the Old Testament. It was recently discovered behind a bookcase in the sitting-room of a house in Gracepark Avenue, and, despite being written in ballpoint pen, archaeologists estimate it to be nearly 4,000 years old.]

And the Lord appeared to Oliver in the midst of the battle with the Patricians. Fear not, He said, for I shall smite thine enemies. And I shall rent their tongues from their mouths and cause a plague of locusts to descend upon their heads.

And while the Patricians were thus occupied, the Lord guided the foot of Stew-art-Byrne. And he smote a mighty blow deep in the hearts of the pagans. And among the children of Shel-bourne there was much rejoicing and praising the Lord.

But the good Oliver, who had been beset by his tormentors throughout the entire battle, leapt to his feet and made certain signs to his tormentors and told them to go forth and multiply.

And the Lord saw this and saw it was not good.

And He guided the foot of Russ-ell and the great warrior O-sam and together they caused great distress among the children of Shel-bourne.
And the great Oliver, on seeing so much distress among the children of Shel-bourne, broke down and wept. And he rent his garments and gnashed his teeth and then he rent his teeth and gnashed his garments. And he called out, My Lord, My Lord, why hast Thou forsaken me? Have I not been a good and faithful servant all my life? Why do you not confound mine enemies and scatter them to the ends of the earth?

And the Lord replied, Shit happens. Get over it.

Chapter 8

After the second battle with the pagans, the children of Shel-bourne were angry with the great Oliver. There were mumblings of discontent amongst the faithful.

The great Oliver heard of the discontent of his children and he summoned them to a great meeting in the hall of Tol-ka. And all the elders were assembled and a great feeling of dissatisfaction pervaded the hall.

And the great Oliver took the Lord aside and said unto Him, My Lord, how am I to deal with this multitude for they are sore vexed?

And the Lord replied, Try faking a bit of humility.

And the great Oliver stood up amongst the children of Shel-bourne and addressed them thus. My children, he cried, wherefore art thou wailing and gnashing of teeth?

And one of them replied, Thou hast caused disgrace to visit the heads of thy children. Yea, even though the cuckoo lies down with the rabbit, so the lion will lay unnaturally with the camel.

And the great Oliver replied, Get thee behind me Satan! Hast thou forgotten how I lead the children of Shel-bourne out of the wilderness after thirty years of wanderings? Hast thou forgotten how I brought thee into the Promised Land of Cham-pions League? Hast thou forgotten how I put great gifts of silverware into thy trophy cabinet? Hast thou forgotten how I fought the evil Do-lan and carried away his fifteen points? Hast thou forgotten how I fought the men from the north when they uttered blasphemies on their flags? Hast thou forgotten….

Okay, okay, called the children of Shel-bourne. We get the picture.

And the Lord looked down and saw that it was good.

And when next the children of Shel-bourne took the field in battle, he breathed into their nostrils and put fire up their arses. And the men from the wilds of Long-ford were put to the sword.