12 Bar Blues

For those of you who were unable to attend my workshop in DCU last month, I am generously setting down a document, describing how to go about writing “da blues” and in particular, “da 12 bar blues”. It was previously thought that this particular art form was restricted to 70 year old black guitarists from somewhere called “da deep south”. However, I was taught the technique by a grizzled old hobo from Lexington, despite the fact that my own musical talent is limited to playing the bass line of “Walking on the Moon” with the dexterity of Father Ted in the first version of “My Lovely Horse.”

The first thing to learn is that the song must be miserable. John Lee Hooker used to say that if he finished a song and the audience applauded, he had failed. If, however, he looked up and saw slashed wrists and people hanging from the rafters, he’d done good. So avoid chirpiness and optimism at all costs.

For those absolute beginners out there, there are three lines in every verse of the 12 bar blues. The first two lines are the same, and the third line rhymes with the first two. Simple, right?

So we’re ready to begin. The first thing is to choose a title. More often than not, this will incorporate something of the third line of the song. And it has to be “The Something Something Blues”. In this instance, we’ll call it “The Interdepartmental Choreography Blues.”

“Woke up this morning…”

Every 12 bar blues song must begin with “Woke up this morning.” Russian songsmith Igor Buggerov was sent by Stalin to the Gulag for 20 years for starting a song with “It was just before tea-time” It was felt he was too reactionary.

“Woke up this morning, felt right away we’re gonna lose”

Then repeat the line,

“Woke up this morning, felt right away we’re gonna lose”

And, incorporate the title into the third line,

“I knew right away man, I got the interdepartmental choreography blues”

That’s the beauty of “da blues”. No matter how many words you want to fit into the final line, it will always fit. Slim Pickins from Atalanta City, once wrote a song called “The “Our Father who art in heaven….. for ever and ever, amen” Blues”. Walter Wall, a dustbowl slide guitarist from Kentucky, once incorporated the entire Tibetan Book of the Dead in the third line.

So now you have the first verse. For every subsequent verse, the hardest thing you have to do is find a word that rhymes with “Blues” Some people have a rhyming dictionary, others like myself who are too mean prefer to use the “alphabet method” i.e. “bues, cues, dues, fues etc”. But with a word like “Blues” there should be no problem. It would be different if it was “broccoli” or “lifeblood.”

And simply work away, remembering to make it as miserable as possible: -

“Woke up this morning, felt right away we’re gonna lose.
I woke up this morning, felt right away we’re gonna lose.
I knew right away man, I got the interdepartmental choreography blues.

Walked down to Tolka, ain’t got no laces in my shoes..”

[Double negatives are perfectly allowed in da blues. Apparently, grammatical inaccuracies gives the singer street cred.]

Yeah, I walked down to Tolka, got no laces in my shoes.
Feelin’ in my head man, I got the interdepartmental choreography blues.”

When I got to Tolka, I looked at the size of the queues,
Yeah, I got down to Tolka, looked at the size of the queues.
So I got on the end of one, me and my interdepartmental choreography blues.

The man asked for ten Euro, man I could not refuse,
Yeah, he asked for ten Euro, man I just couldn’t refuse.
He let us both in, me and my interdepartmental choreography blues.

Jim Crawford was suspended, Lord, this was worrying news,
Jim Crawford was suspended, man this was worrying news,
That dark cloud overhead looked like the interdepartmental choreography blues.

Sat down in my seat between two black and blind Jews,
Yeah I sat down in my seat between two black and blind Jews,
Both of them suffering from the interdepartmental choreography blues.

There were two bloody stanchions, both of them blocking my views,
Yeah there were two bloody stanchions, both of them blocking my views,
Though all I could see was the interdepartmental choreography blues.

Terry Palmer clattered Weso, gave him a luminous bruise,
Terry Palmer clattered Weso, gave him a luminous bruise.
“Oh Terry” said Weso, “you’ve given me the interdepartmental choreography blues.”

Stephen Grant played a blinder, to give the bastard his dues,
Stephen Grant played a blinder, to give the bastard his dues,
Gave the red half of Tolka the interdepartmental choreography blues.

The Saturday Indo, I don’t think I’m gonna peruse,
Oh the Saturday Indo, I don’t think I’m gonna peruse.
My head will be acing with the interdepartmental choreography blues.”

Next week: how to write a number one hit for Westlife in three minutes.